It was another bright sunny day in Las Vegas as I headed down to the Rio with a group of friends on yet another swag hunt, but as I entered the doors to the main hallway that leads to the Amazon room a feeling came over me that I couldn’t quite put my finger on.  I know I recognized this feeling before, and as I proceeded down the hallway small flashes of memories would pass before my eyes, but I couldn’t quite make out what they all meant.

I rounded the corner and I was almost knocked over by the smell of Ben Gay.  It’s menthol aroma was like a combination Bruce Lee kick to my chest, and a Curly Joe gouge to the eyes. I couldn’t breathe and I couldn’t see.  That’s when it hit me.  Add some kitty litter odor to the mix and I’m back at Grandma’s house.

I entered the Amazon Room which on any normal day is already busy, and quite loud.  But today it was like the depths of hell opened up, there was a cacaphonous chorus of “huh, what did he say?” “Huh? What? Is that a raise?”  Only then did I realize that today was the day they held the senior event, an event where “last longer” bets take on an ominous meaning.

I scanned the crowd of oxygen mask covered faces and the only one I recognized was Death.  He stood head and shoulders above all and was fashionable in a suit and tie along with jewelry he borrowed from David “Devilfish” Ulliot.  Mr. Death was today’s celebrity tournament director and it was clear that he would be the only real winner here.

We had arrived just before a scheduled break, it was announced the players had only twenty minutes to use the bathroom.  The race was on for half the crowd, and I lost a good friend today in what will forever be known as the walker stampede of 2006.  The other half just stayed in their seats and used their Depends, which oddly enough was one of today’s event sponsors.

Okay, okay I have to stop before I lose some good friends.  The seniors tournament I have described only played out in my imagination here at two in the morning, it in fact was like any other event held at the WSOP full of dealers errors and bad floor decisions, the only exception was players had to be at least fifty to buy in.

Some members of our Wednesday Poker Discussion Group were part of the field, some damn good players mind you.  Players like Warren Biscoe who has a T.V final table under his belt on the Ultimate Poker Challenge, Jan Fisher the in-studio announcer for the Professional Poker Tour, David Chanduloy a veteran tournament player, and Dennis Oehring a contributing author to many of today’s hot poker publications.

We WPDG’ers as we call ourselves, feel a sense of pride when our members play in any event.  For a bright shining moment we have a stake in the event, someone we affectionately call our horse.  Our horses didn’t fare too well, by the dinner break Warren and Jan had both busted out and David was down to his last 3,000 in chips and blinds were around 200/400 it was just about time to push with any two cards.  I don’t know how Dennis did, but as I write this I hope to hear that he made it to day two.

While all this was going, there was another event playing out.  Probably one of the softer events in the tournament, so much dead money in that field that even I held an edge.  It was the $50,000 H.O.R.S.E. event.  For those who don’t know H.O.R.S.E. is an acronym that stands for How Our Retirement Savings just Evaporated.

This was an amazing field of players, it was a veritable who’s who list of the top professional poker players in the world.

We, and by we I mean the WPDG’ers had a horse in the H.O.R.S.E. event, but too bad she didn’t even make it to the starting gate. Due to a comedy of errors Linda had to pull out at the last minute.  Well not exactly the last minute, I think it was level two.  However she did win the over under bet for $100 she made with Marc Seif when she took the over for the event which topped out around 120.  Congratulations Linda, it’s not a bracelet but a win is a win!

After some dinner, and some poker talk, and a lot of laughs the rest of the night for the group was spent either in a cash game, or taking turns sweating Linda in the 75/150 Pot Limit Omaha game.  Damn life can be good.

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2006 WSOP Player Soundtrack
It was Saturday the 23rd, and I had a couple of friends playing in event #33, the $1,500 Seven Card Razz event.  Rail birding duties called, so I ventured down to the Rio once again.

I found Jan at table #58, she had a decent sized stack, looked to be around 3,000 in chips and the blinds were still low.  I then made my way across the tournament area to table #17, where Linda was making another attempt to reclaim the throne she held by winning the bracelet in this event at the 28th WSOP in 1997.  Linda, I found out later, was just taking down the only pot she would win the entire event.  She eventually busted out before the second break.

I said my hellos, and then found a seat at an empty table in the cash game section of the Amazon Room.  I pulled out my notebook and spent the rest of the afternoon observing people.  I had a few ideas for some blog articles I wanted to write, but I needed some inspiration, and boy did I find plenty of it.

One thing you will notice in the poker world is that while Bill Gates my have a stranglehold on the personal computer market, Apple, in particular their IPOD division, dominates the tournament scene.  IPOD is by far the choice of the tournament poker player when it comes to providing soothing, or inspirational tunes whilst whiling away the hours folding marginal hands.

So, with that in mind I decided that I would pretend as if I were playing in a tournament and create my very own MP3 play list, but since that would be bordering on delusional, yet again, I decided I would instead create a WSOP soundtrack for the poker personalities I saw walking around the room.  These are their songs that I would assign them, and to back up my choices I will provide the titles and a snippet of the lyrics to give you a better understanding.

1.  Mike Matusow
Song: Breathe
Artist:  Prodigy
Lyrics:
Breathe the pressure
Come play my game Ill test ya
Psychosomatic addict insane

Come play my game
Inhale, inhale, you’re the victim
Come play my game
Exhale, exhale, exhale

I think it’s the frantic nature of this song, the beat, and the lyrics that make me think of Mike “The Mouth.”  Watching Mike play poker is a test in patience, so I am sure playing with him must be a test in psychological endurance, much like babysitting your sister’s ADD kid who just ran out of Ritalin.  I think we have moved past the point of time outs, because they are no longer effective, it’s now time for daddy to come home and dish out a good beating.

2.  Chris Ferguson
Song:  Man In Black
Artist:  Johnny Cash
Lyrics:
Well, you wonder why I always dress in black,
Why you never see bright colors on my back,
And why does my appearance seem to have a somber tone.
Well, there’s a reason for the things that I have on.

One of the most stoic figures at the poker table, Chris “Jesus” Ferguson is also one of the most recognizable.  When trying to find a song that I felt would fit him, it became a toss up between Man In Black, and the theme song to the Swedish Chef from The Muppet Show.  Why?  Well because every time I see Chris on t.v., he’s cutting up vegetables with cards.

3.  Doyle Brunson
Song:  Highwayman
Artist:  Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, Waylon Jennings, Kris Kristofferson
Lyrics:
I was a highwayman. Along the coach roads I did ride
With sword and pistol by my side
Many a young maid lost her baubles to my trade
Many a soldier shed his lifeblood on my blade
The bastards hung me in the spring of twenty-five
But I am still alive.
<snip>
I fly a starship across the Universe divide
And when I reach the other side
I’ll find a place to rest my spirit if I can
Perhaps I may become a highwayman again
Or I may simply be a single drop of rain
But I will remain
And I’ll be back again, and again and again and again and again..

When you think about Doyle, and his travelling adventures in the early stages of his poker career, I think the easy route would be to choose Willie Nelson’s On The Road Again. However I find Highway Man to be more fitting of such a man.  The song speaks of a spirit that arrives every generation. It is the same spirit that has helped to forge great nations, and conquer others.  We call them heroes, and pioneers.  They are those, who, emboldened by this spirit set out in life on a different path, leading generations of followers behind them.

4.  Phil Hellmuth
Song:  I’m An Asshole
Artist:  Dennis Leary
Lyrics:
Maybe I shouldn’t be singin’ this song
Ranting and raving and carrying on
Maybe they’re right when they tell me I’m wrong…
…
NAAAHHHHH!

I’m an asshole
(he’s an asshole, what an asshole)
I’m an asshole
(he’s the world’s biggest asshole)

I think the reason I picked this song is pretty self explanatory.  Personally I have never met Phil, I did however have the pleasure of watching him be a bit discourteous to a fan, and have watched his many blow ups on television. While I am sure for the most part his act, and new wardrobe has been refined by a few “marketing geniuses,” it is also apparent Phil was born for this role and he didn’t have to look too far when developing his “character.”  So, with that in mind, Phil can’t be offended I would choose such a song, he would probably be more angry that his agent didn’t think of it first.

5.  Daniel Negreanu
Song:  Mama Said Knock You Out
Artist: L.L. Cool J
Lyrics:
Don’t call it a comeback
I been here for years
Rockin my peers and puttin suckas in fear
Makin the tears rain down like a MON-soon
Listen to the bass go BOOM
Explosion, overpowerin
Over the competition, I’m towerin
Wreckin shop, when I drop these lyrics that’ll make you call the cops
Don’t you dare stare, you betta move
Don’t ever compare
Me to the rest that’ll all get sliced and diced
Competition’s payin the price

I’m gonna knock you out (HUUUH!!!)
Mama said knock you out (HUUUH!!!)

When I thought of Daniel, the first thing that came to my mind is his ever present mother, a small quaint Romanian woman that is always in the front row when her son makes yet another final table presence.  A few more pros’ mothers show their support for their poker playing progenies, but none so far that I have seen that goes out of their way to prepare them a home cooked meal to provide much needed nourishment while in the throes of battle.  Daniel’s mom does.  I chose this song because it is, in my opinion spot on.  Daniel is one of the most fiercest competitors on the felt, and along with Mom backing up his every move he will never have to question whether or not he “could have been a contender.”

6.  Barry Greenstein
Song:  Do They Know It’s Christmas Time
Artist: Band Aid
Lyrics:
But say a prayer
Pray for the other ones
At Christmas time it’s hard, but when you’re having fun
There’s a world outside your window
And it’s a world of dread and fear
Where the only water flowing is the bitter sting of tears
And the Christmas bells that ring there
Are the clanging chimes of doom
Well tonight thank God it’s them instead of you

And there won’t be snow in Africa this Christmas time
The greatest gift they’ll get this year is life
(Oooh) Where nothing ever grows
No rain nor rivers flow
Do they know it’s Christmas time at all

Barry honestly was the hardest to pick a song for. Such a quiet unassuming man, you would never know he could be such a domineering force at the poker table if it weren’t for his reputation for smelling weakness in his opponents and taking advantage of that.  I chose to focus on his philanthropic endeavors and it made me flash back to one of my favorite Christmas songs in High School.  Bob Geldof from the Boomtown Rats, assembled the biggest names in pop, and rock at the time to form Band Aid, they then produced the song Do They Know It’s Christmas Time with all of the proceeds going to charities to help feed the children suffering from famine in Somalia.  Barry is known not just for his poker skills, but also as “The Robin Hood of Poker,” for donating all of his tournament winnings to charity.

7.  Annie Duke
Song:  Sweet Emotion
Artist: Aerosmith
Lyrics:
You talk about things that nobody cares
You’re wearing out things that nobody wears
You’re calling my name but you gotta make clear
I cant say baby where Ill be in a year

Okay, this is the one and only song I have chosen where the lyrics really do not fit at all with what I am trying to convey.  I was driving home from the Rio one night and Sweet Emotion came on and my first thought was Annie Duke.  It has nothing to do with the title, or the lyrics, but has everything to do with the just the feeling the music gives you, especially the opening.  Growing up in the 70’s I recall fondly riding in friend’s cars watching as some sweet thing walked down the street and this song played in the back ground.  Believe me, if Annie was a professional wrestler instead of a poker player, this would be her theme song as she entered the ring.

8.  Jennifer Harman
Song:  Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill me
Artist: U2
Lyrics
You don’t know how you took it
You just know what you got
Oh Lordy you’ve been stealing
From the thieves and you got caught
In the headlights
Of a stretch car
You’re a star

Dressing like your sister
Living like a tart
They don’t know what you’re doing
Babe, it must be art
You’re a headache
In a suitcase
You’re a star

Oh no, don’t be shy
You don’t have to go blind
Hold me, thrill me, kiss me, kill me

In keeping with my Jennifer Harman stalking theme I chose this, one of my favorite U2 songs for the title specifically.  Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me, it kind of sums it all up.  She’s cute, she’s a gambler, and she dominates at the poker table.  Jennifer Harman is a full on rock and roll poker chick, she’s a star.

7.  Phil Ivey
Song:  Eye Of The Tiger
Artist: Survivor
Lyrics:
It’s the eye of the tiger, it’s the cream of the fight
Risin’ up to the challenge of our rival
And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night
And he’s watchin’ us all in the eye of the tiger

I had chosen another song for Phil, but because political correctness dictates our thought processes I felt I should change it.  After much thought, I decided on this song, because if you have ever watched Phil play he always has this intense look in his eyes.  Not one for speaking at the table, or showing any emotion, this top tournament and cash game player puts his money where his mouth ISN’T.  When I think of Phil Ivey the words intensity, focus, and class come to mind.  Phil knows where he stands when he sits down at a poker table, so confident in his abilities he says nothing, he just plays, and let’s the results speak for themselves.

8.  Kenna James
Song:  Mama Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Cowboys
Artist: Willie Nelson
Lyrics:
Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be cowboys
Don’t let ‘em pick guitars and drive them old trucks
Make ‘em be doctors and lawyers and such
Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be cowboys
They’ll never stay home and they’re always alone
Even with someone they love
Cowboys ain’t easy to love and they’re harder to hold
And they’d rather give you a song then diamonds or gold
Lonestar belt buckles and old faded Levi’s each night begins a new day
And if you don’t understand him and he don’t die young
He’ll probably just ride away

Tis pick is a bit tongue in cheek, I have another song I would rather use, but I want to save it for a future article.  “Cowboy” Kenna James is one of the classiest guys in all of poker, a true fan favorite who is known not just for his aggressive play at the table, but for his black cowboy hat and penchant for Elvis tunes.  I’m still waiting for him to release one of his covers as a ring tone.

9.  Johnny Chan
Song:  I’m Too Sexy
Artist: Right Said Fred
Lyrics:
I’m too sexy for my love too sexy for my love
Love’s going to leave me

I’m too sexy for my shirt too sexy for my shirt
So sexy it hurts
And I’m too sexy for Milan too sexy for Milan
New York and Japan

While he is not necessarily one of the more colorful characters in poker, he does own the most colorful poker apparel.  Too sexy for his shirt, Johnny can be seen wearing the latest technicolor Rorschach test straight from Italy.  Yes, it was an easy shot, maybe even a cheap one, but he has left himself wide open.  Never have I seen more colorful shirts and sweaters since the Huxtable clan on The Cosby Show left our air waves.

10.  Scotty Nguyen
Song:  Sexual Healing
Artist: Marvin Gaye
Lyrics:
Ooh, now let’s get down tonight
Baby I’m hot just like an oven
I need some lovin’
And baby, I can’t hold it much longer
It’s getting stronger and stronger
And when I get that feeling
I want Sexual Healing
Sexual Healing, oh baby

When you think of Scotty one word comes to mind. “Baby.”  Of course it’s the only word that comes to his mind as well.  Smooth as silk, Scotty knows how to work a crowd and the ladies love him, they don’t call him “The Prince of Poker” just because he and another famous Prince are both diminutive in stature.

Well, there you have it, my 2006 WSOP soundtrack, hopefully someday I will be able to include myself.

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Sunday I decided to head down to the Rio and sweat the ladies event.  I think poker is the only activity I know of that you can say you are “sweating” anything involving ladies and not end up on the opposite end of a restraining order, but then again if I try real hard I can accomplish anything, or so my mama always said.

The main purpose of my trip was to watch my friends *name drop alert* Linda Johnson, and Jan Fisher play in the event.  Linda and Jan are the in-studio announcers for the World Poker Tour, and The Pro Poker Tour respectively.
Hailing from Texas it’s always nice having friends who appear on television and it not be on an episode of COPS.  They were there to be part of the Elle team in the event, which included last years event winner Jennifer Tilly as well as a few other ladies.  All of these ladies were playing for a charitable cause, I really don’t know what charity I just know it had something to do with chicks.  But then I’m a guy, and about as charitable most of us guys get is helping some nineteen year old cutie from Omaha pay for her education at UNLV one dollar at a time.

I arrived a bit late, the event started at eleven in the morning and I arrived around three.  I figured if Linda was playing in the event she would still be around because not only is she a good player but according to Jan, Linda has a “horsehoe up her ass” and gets really lucky.
Jan I knew would still be playing because she plays a tight solid game, and I couldn’t see her busting out that early in a two day tournament unless it was one of those hands you are destined to go out on like kings versus aces.

I had no trouble finding Jan, as I was glancing out over the field I saw her standing by her table so I hopped the velvet rope to say hello.  Not only did I get a hug for my efforts, but I was also the recipient of MORE SWAG!!! (CLICK HERE FOR MY WSOP 2006 SWAG REPORT)  And yes this swag which is a blue Card Player Cruises polo shirt fits me perfectly.  Thank you Jan, and thank you Rita for bringing it down to the Rio. I also learned that Linda busted out earlier, and had already gone home.

I left Jan to her tournament, I didn’t want to be a bother and headed across the room to see who else might be playing.  I didn’t see too many top female poker pros, I did see Jennifer Tilly though.

There are some great female poker players, and to just call them “great female poker players” is in my opinion a disservice to their talents because they are great players period.  But once again I am a guy, and being that I love poker there is something hot about a poker playing babe who not only has the looks, but the skills to make most men run home crying to their wives.

The problem though with the phenomenal growth of poker though is there are many women who just because of their looks are getting a lot of undeserved recognition.  To be a woman poker player now days if you have a hot body and know how to post a blind you will get a lot of attention.  These poker “bunnies” (hmm…did I just coin a new term for a type of female fish) are like the kids wearing special helmets playing in sports at the YMCA, it doesn’t matter if their team wins EVERYONE gets a trophy.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t begrudge these women for making a name for themselves using their feminine wiles, we men are just stupid enough to fall for it. The thing is there are far more better female players out there, and I happen to think they are hot enough.

Some of my favorites I have listed below.

Jennifer Harman:  Not only does she play in the biggest game in town, but she can melt your heart with those big baby blues and that coy little smile that crosses her lips.  Probaby the only poker player out there that could crush you financially and afterwards you would go home and write sappy love poems to her.  MARCO TRANIELLO YOU SHALL RUE THE DAY!!!

Cyndi Violette:  She’s a bracelet holder and a woman who I consider to be the hottest M.I.L.F on the circuit.  Macrobiotics does a body good.

Annie Duke:  Under the proper care of a team of hair, makeup and fashion professionals Annie would rank second in my list of circuit M.I.L.F.’s.  Some days she’s as hot as a jalapeno pepper, other days she looks kind of frumpy like someone’s Aunt Bertha who hasn’t yet grown out of her “hippy stage.”  She too has her own bracelet and has proved her skills a number of times.

The day almost ended with Jan busting out somewhere around 200 out of a field that boasted over 1,100 players, Jan did one helluva job lasting so long.  But as I was walking out I ran across her and Linda in the hallway and they invited me to dinner in the cafe.  Their dinner plans started with three, then they picked me up.  These two ladies are like human magnets, I don’t think there is anyone in the poker world pro and amateur alike that they do not know.  Before it was all over with we had to add two more tables, and there was talk that more were coming.

My turkey club was excellent, and so was the conversation as always.  All in all it was a mighty fine day, as is most days when it involves poker and the ladies.

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Okay I’m a cheap rail birding bum, I don’t even have a buy in for a $2/$4 limit game so what’s the next best thing to do?

SWAG HUNT!!!!

So, I made my way down to the Rio today on two missions.

Mission #1 To photograph a friend Billie Walter in the stud event.  I failed this mission miserably.  My apologies Billie, I got there after 5pm and I couldn’t find you.

Mission #2  Obtain as much free crap as I could.  Mission accomplished. Since I have no one else to lord over, except those who can’t make it down to the Rio because they are either out of town or just don’t care,  I shall now flaunt my swag in an attempt at making you all jealous.

Full Tilt:  I checked out their suite first.  Last year they gave away a poster of the Full Tilt crew and since I am no longer a 14-year old girl I didn’t think it would be so neato to hang it from my wall even if it did include that dreamboat Erik Seidel.

However this year you walk in and in the middle of the room there are a couple of cute girls who will gladly enter your information into their system to sign you up for a contest, and in doing so you get your choice of a lighter, a keychain, or chocolate bar all with the Full Tilt logo clearly visible on them.  And what does Full Tilt get?  The opportunity to resell your info to spammers. I guess that’s okay because lord knows I can’t get enough viagra and am always looking for a new source, but then again I could always call Rush Limbaugh’s go-to guy.

After you sign up for the “contest” (honestly I don’t recall what they were giving away), you can then play a game for and I quote “the big prizes.” If you choose to accept their challenge, you get your choice of a mousepad or a waterbottle.

What is the challenge?  You have to match some pictures of eyes to the Full Tilt Players.  I found this rather easy and got them all right, which didn’t really matter because you only had to get four correct, I just like showing off.  I took the mousepad.  It’s cool and has a picture of the whole Full Tilt crew on it.  I think instead of pounding my desk  when I get rivered online, I will just roll my mouse extra hard over Matusow’s groin.

Needless to say before it was my turn I had one of the most dimwitted poker players in front of me who couldn’t quite figure which eyes belonged to whom  until I gave him a hint.  “Dude, you just need to pick four, there’s only 1 black guy, only 1 asian guy and just 2 women.”  This opened his eyes and he got those right, but then came the real tough decision for him.  The waterbottle, or the mousepad?  This guy took more time deciding on those two items then most people spend picking prizes on the Wheel of Fortune.  I guess things could have been easier if he would have had the third choice of a porcelain dalmatian. *only real Wheel fans will get that one ;)*

Overall the room was quite nice.  A lot roomier than last year with plenty of comfortable seating with monitors all around playing recorded poker shows.

Okay now onto….

Bodog.Net:  I couldn’t tell if I was walking into a hospitality suite or a new dance club.  Really nice room, you enter through a cement tunnel-like structure with Bodog.Net stenciled in everywhere and it opens up into a dimly lit room with a nice bar and a waterfall in the back.

Did they have any swag?  Not that I could find so I danced.  I danced real hard.

UltimateBet:  I expected to walk into Ultimate Bet and find Dutch Boyd and the rest of “The Crew” on their knees pleading for UB not to drop them after all of the fallout across various message boards on the net.

No, no pleading but not much else going on there either.  No one seemed interested in talking to anyone entering these rooms with the exception of the cute girls working the front doors.

I did notice this big trend and that was how many people hired cute girls in skimpy outfits to stand at the doors to invite fat poker players in.  I felt like a gringo walking down Revolution Blvd in Tijuauna.  Oh and there are rumors that Hellmuth will be performing a live donkey show.

NEXT!!!

Doyle’s Room:  Okay I really liked this room.  Doyle’s site has a really nice design with the old west theme with wanted posters etc.  Well they did something similar with the suite.  You can go in and they have pictures all over the walls of Doyle, Caro, Greenstein and more going back many years.  It was fun to look at pictures of these guys in their twenties and thirties.

Another thing I noticed.  Swag bags, this was a good sign.  As I pretended to study the pictures on the wall my mind began to race.  How can I get one of those bags?  What unknown treasures might I find?  Will I have to sign up for more Viagra emails?  Ultimately yes.

Okay so I filled out another contest form and when asked by one of the cute girls there what games I played at their site I lied and said Badugi.  I don’t know what was more scarier, trying to keep up this charade or the distant glazed-over look that overtook the cute girl’s eyes when she heard the word Badugi.  I grabbed my swag bag and bailed before she went into full seizure and I would have to answer more questions.

What did I win for my efforts?

A Doyle’s room t-shirt, pen and notepad.  I will say though that the notepad is rather cool.  It’s not really a notepad, but actually in keeping with their old west motif it is an antique poker tracker.

This neat little device does not download hand histories from your computer or brain, but get this.  You actually have to take your Doyle’s room pen and fill out the information…BY HAND!!!!

But seriously, it’s a great promotional tool.  It actually has columns printed out where you can list the game you played, where, the date, the buy in and whether or not you won or lost.

All around good stuff.  Also if you’re interested Doyle will be in the suite every morning at 11am signing autographs.  And if you want the Dead Sea Scrolls version of his Super Systems 1 and 2 you can get those leatherbound and autographed by Doyle for only $300.

On to…

Poker Stars:  Their suite is closer to the parking lot which is cool for us fat people. You can arrive at the Rio at 11 am, stop at the Poker Stars suite fill up on soda at 11:15, make your way down the hallway and then stop at the Full Tilt room at 11:30, fill up on yet another soda and finally be in your designated tournament seat by noon.

Poker Stars I was kind of disappointed in.  No cute girls in skimpy outfits hanging out in front promising more action inside.  When I walked in not much action going on but plenty of comfortable seating all around.

In the back there is an altar you can worship at, but in all honesty it’s meaning was lost on me.  What you will see is a glass altar and encased in it is a guitar, and on this guitar there is the signature of 2 out of 3 of the WSOP Holy Trinity.  Greg Raymer “The Father”, Joe Hachem, “The Holy Ghost”, but it was apparent Chris Moneymaker “The son”s” name was missing.

I did see some Poker Stars hats on another table.  I didn’t ask anyone, I just grabbed one and left before I got caught up in another cult.  Would be the second time this week so far.

Well that was pretty much it.  I think tomorrow I will shave and go back for more.

The only issue I have with poker swag, is that in most cases they don’t cater to their largest demographic, and oh I really mean “largest” in the literal sense.  So far, there is not one company that makes a shirt that fits the morbidly obese poker player.

If one company would step up to the plate and offer their gear in sizes that I could wear, I would be a walking talking online poker site billboard.

But for now I guess I’ll just have to settle for rolling my mouse hard across Matusow’s genitals.

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(Will Blog For Lammers)

I started my site carydarling.com almost two years ago with the intention of filling it up with my attempts at humorous insight into the life of a low limit poker player living in Las Vegas. I titled it A High Limit Life At A Low Limit Table. This was also to be the title of my book if and when it ever got published, silly me I even have the cover art already planned but haven’t written a single chapter.  Is this the definition for delusions of grandeur?
What’s the dealio?  You ask. I quickly allowed life to get in the way of living and the site has been collecting dust ever since, but no more.  It’s almost 3 a.m. and a I have a million ideas rushing through my head and I have to get at least one of them out.

To say that I love poker would be an understatement.  I totally obsess over it.  I am Glenn Close to poker’s Michael Douglas and while on the subject of Mr. Douglas, contrary to popular belief and Mr. Douglas’ birth certificate poker is not the older of the two.

I think about poker all the time, I just can’t get enough it. I read poker books, poker magazines, TIVO all the poker shows, talk poker with friends, and just between you and me I even bought Vince Van Patten’s instructional DVD just in case there was a tip out there I missed.  But I have one problem, I am broke.  Ever since my business started to go under right about the same time my site went up I have not been able to play poker with any consistency, or with a proper bankroll so it always seems I am watching from afar as my true love is courted by another fellow, and with the World Series of Poker going on just a short drive from my house the pain is just that much more unbearable..

Now don’t get me wrong.  I have made my moves, I have made my attempts at wooing that wily temptress, I have even “stopped short” and copped a feel of some poker boobie.  But poker, she’s a high maintenance gal and I can’t seem to keep her in the lifestyle that she’s accustomed to.

So what are my solutions?  I have been really thinking this through and I have laid out below some of the ideas I came up with.

1. Parlay Partay:  My parlay partay would begin with digging through my change buckets, car seats and couch cushions converting all $9.00 of it into cash and then putting it on red at Boulder Station and doubling down  after each consecutive win.
2. Scamway:   I could join a pyramid scheme I’ve been eyballing and see if I can get ten friends to sign up under me to sell a revolutionary dietary supplement that is not only a colon cleanser but an engine additive that will increase your gas mileage.
3. Lather, Rinse, Repeat :  SuperCuts has a beauty school nearby that I could attend, and once I graduate I will marry a hot little female poker pro who will let me sweat her live cash games, and then in 2007 I should cash in at  least seven events at the World Series of Poker.
   This to me seems more attainable and makes much more sense than flying to Trinidad, Colorado to have a sex change, then move to Hollywood get nominated for an Oscar only to leave the movie star life to travel the poker circuit with my new boyfriend who’s adorable antics and attire  have led to him being nicknamed after a homegrown terrorist.
4. 10,000:1 Shot:   I could win the 2006 World Series of Poker Main event, the problem with this solution is I do not have the $10,000 buy in hence the title “Brother Can You Spare A Lammer.”  I’ve considered sitting in the hallway at the Rio that leads to the WSOP with this written on a piece of cardboard using my angry crayons.
   $10,000,000.00 or so will be going to the winner of this year’s main event.  That is a lot of money, and while I am sure it won’t buy me happiness I can assure you it will enable me to rent it for a little while.

Now these are just a few of my more realistic ideas, I have many more  but they are just crazy.

In the meantime I decided I’m going to start blogging again, starting with my experiences at the 2006 WSOP, not from behind the cards, not at a final table but from the rail.

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“Everybody’s talking at me.
I don’t hear a word they’re saying,
Only the echoes of my mind.
People stopping staring,
I can’t see their faces,
Only the shadows of their eyes.”

Growing up I saw a movie that had such a huge impact on me that to this day when I watch it I hope the ending changes.  That movie was Midnight Cowboy and starred Jon Voight as naive cowboy turned gigolo Joe Buck, and Dustin Hoffman as  “Ratso” Rizzo a sickly flim flam man aspiring to be Joe’s pimp.
These two misfits fail in their attempts at improving on their lot in life as Joe works the streets while Ratso daydreams of riches, and beautiful women awaiting him on the sunny beaches of Miami.

Ratso’s health continues to decline as they finally gather enough money to get off of the dank, dirty streets of New York.  They hop a bus to Florida, and as they cross the state line Joe nudges Ratso to awaken him but gets no response because Ratso has finally succumbed to whatever it is that ails him. While at times their relationship is rocky, after all the pain, all the mistrust each has had to overcome these two realise they don’t have much else in this world, and you can see how much Joe truly cares for his friend as he puts his arm around him, holds him gently and brushes the hair out of his eyes, while Harry Nilsson’s song plays hauntingly in the background once again.

This is the ending I am always hoping that changes when I watch this movie.  I want to see Joe and Ratso make it to Florida, I want to see them live the life they dreamt of.  But in the thirty years I have watched this film time and time again the ending hasn’t changed yet.

I guess what disturbs me most is I identify with these two characters a great deal.  I tend to identify with many misfits, maybe I see a bit of myself in them and their plight.  I also dream of better things for myself, a better life, and while I am no where near perfect and often make mistakes, I am not a bad guy.  I am a “misfit.”  I don’t fit in.

“I’m going where the sun keeps shining
Thru’ the pouring rain,
Going where the weather suits my clothes,
Backing off of the North East wind,
Sailing on summer breeze
And skipping over the ocean like a stone.”

I am sure you are wondering how this ties in with poker.  I guess it’s an analogy on my life, and how I got to where I am today, and how I wonder why I didn’t get to this point sooner.  You can also safely assume it’s a deeper look at my personal fears on how my life’s movie will end, fearing I will die on a greyhound bus before I get to my Florida.

What is “my Florida.”  It has been many things in my life but has changed as I have changed, as I have grown from a boy into a man.  As a child it was what i wanted to be when I grew up, as an adolescent it might have meant wealth and fame, but as I have matured and learned that riches don’t always begin with dollar signs, or equal the amount of “toys” I have accumulated it’s importance has taken on a deeper meaning.

“My Florida” now as I enter what is hopefully the half time of my life now includes my legacy.  What is more important now is what impact, and what imprint will I have left on this planet and the people I have known, have I made a difference or have I wasted what precious little time we are given on selfish endeavors?

“I won’t let you leave my love behind”

That last scene in my life has not been shot yet, there is no fade to black and the credits have not started rolling but I am in the third act.  The movie has been cast, the screenplay has been written although it is not in it’s final draft, changes are made daily.  When it’s all said and done, and my movie is in the can I often wonder if I will win an Oscar for my hard work, or maybe a Golden Globe.  Who the hell am I kidding?  I would settle for an MTV Movie Award but will probably get a Golden Raspberry.

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