I love and accept myself exactly as I am

If you wish to know what my biggest challenge in life is, I would lay even money that it is yours too.  Want to know what it is?  Go stand in front of a big mirror, look deep into your eyes, and tell yourself “I love you ____ and accept you exactly as you are.”  Self acceptance, it can be tough with all of the negative self-talk that I have trained myself with over the years.  In the past there has been so much guilt, and self-loathing coursing through my veins, it isn’t any wonder why I haven’t allowed someone into my life for a more intimate relationship.  I couldn’t stand myself, how could I expect someone else to love me.

Oh but the tides are changing.  This is  part of the work I am doing, and I use that word “work” far too often, because I find so much joy in all this inner exploring that I am doing, because the deeper I go, the more interesting things I find.  Where has it lead me?  On the path to healing a body, mind and spirit that was riddled with pain.

Writing this blog at times is like living in a house of glass with all of your most intimate moments exposed.  For the most part I am a very private person.  It may seem I’m very open with some of the things I have shared here, but that is hardly the case at all.  The buffer, or space if you will that email, or a letter, or this blog gives me allows me to open myself up and share some deeply personal thoughts, but every now and then I want to just shut the rest of the world off from all that I am experiencing, just so I can save a little bit of me, for me.  However today that is not the case, once again I will open myself up to friends and strangers alike because I feel that it is important that I do so.  If I’m going to talk it, I have to walk it.

I have blogged about my back pains that I have experienced in the past.  To say that I am not feeling any pain at all would be a downright lie.  I am still not 100%, but I know what I need to do in order to continue the healing process.  My victory lies in the fact that I no longer need anything stronger than ibuprofen to get through the day, in fact some days I forget to take that.

One of the books I have been reading is You Can Heal Your Life by Louise L. Hay, a fantastic book and DVD that I wholeheartedly recommend to all those within shouting distance.  In the back of her book, Louise has a chart of affirmations that she has used to cure a variety of illnesses, this is a culmination of all the work she has done as a therapist over the last 20-30 years.  During this time she has noticed a recurring theme in  all physical manifestations of disease, it all stems from anger, resentment, guilt, lack of self-worth among a few other things, and through affirmations she has helped people find their own way of healing themselves.

I was asked the other night if my back being healed was just mind over matter and my reply was that it was a combination of things including mind over matter, exercise and time.  However, I wasn’t being 100% honest, I truly believe that it has everything to do with the work that I am doing, and it all began to happen around the time that I watched the DVD and began to listen to the health affirmations as I slept at night.

Each night before I go to bed I run myself through a little system that prepares me for a restful night of sleep, this routine has its purpose, and ends with my meditating for roughly 15-20 minutes.  During these meditation sessions I have had  some pretty powerful experiences, very enlightening spiritual experiences.

A few weeks ago one of the intentions I set forth before my meditation was to release something that was causing a lot of guilt, something I had done in the past and was clinging onto that just needed to be dealt with.  I knew that this guilt was something that was holding me back from releasing the many wondrous things that the Universe had in store for me, only because I felt deep down that I did not deserve such good things.  During this particular meditation session I began to feel in my stomach something I could only describe as prickly air.  This was not a gas bubble, this was a “nothing” that had sharp edges, sort of like a golden head sticker I have had stuck in my foot on many occasions as a child growing up in Texas.

As I continued to meditate, I was telling myself over and over to just release and surrender, and quit resisting this problem.  The prickly air slowly moved up my stomach, into my esophagus, up my throat, and I could feel it as it was expelled out of my mouth.  Once again this wasn’t a gas bubble.  I could not feel any real “air” as this all occurred, only the sharp prickly edges.  My body began to feel relieved, I physically released the garbage that was holding me back and I could sense the change.  It was the very next day when I stopped taking pain killers, the back pain was not completely gone, but it was not crippling anymore.

What’s my point?  Well after watching the DVD, and finally getting the book just this last Friday, I looked up back pain in the back of her book, where she has listed the mental causes, and the affirmations for healing.  The listed probable cause for middle back pain is *drum roll please*  GUILT.   The affirmation for healing is, “I release the past.  I am free to move forward with love in my heart.”

I still have much more soul searching to do, much more pain to release, much more forgiveness to allow in my life, not just for those who caused me perceived pain, but for the perceived pain I have caused.

I am learning to love and accept myself.  In the beginning it was really hard to say those words in the mirror.  “I love you Cary, and accept you exactly as you are.”  But I say them, and each time it gets a bit easier to say, and the good thing is I’m starting to really believe it.

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