Okay I’m a cheap rail birding bum, I don’t even have a buy in for a $2/$4 limit game so what’s the next best thing to do?
SWAG HUNT!!!!
So, I made my way down to the Rio today on two missions.
Mission #1 To photograph a friend Billie Walter in the stud event. I failed this mission miserably. My apologies Billie, I got there after 5pm and I couldn’t find you.
Mission #2 Obtain as much free crap as I could. Mission accomplished. Since I have no one else to lord over, except those who can’t make it down to the Rio because they are either out of town or just don’t care, I shall now flaunt my swag in an attempt at making you all jealous.
Full Tilt: I checked out their suite first. Last year they gave away a poster of the Full Tilt crew and since I am no longer a 14-year old girl I didn’t think it would be so neato to hang it from my wall even if it did include that dreamboat Erik Seidel.
However this year you walk in and in the middle of the room there are a couple of cute girls who will gladly enter your information into their system to sign you up for a contest, and in doing so you get your choice of a lighter, a keychain, or chocolate bar all with the Full Tilt logo clearly visible on them. And what does Full Tilt get? The opportunity to resell your info to spammers. I guess that’s okay because lord knows I can’t get enough viagra and am always looking for a new source, but then again I could always call Rush Limbaugh’s go-to guy.
After you sign up for the “contest” (honestly I don’t recall what they were giving away), you can then play a game for and I quote “the big prizes.” If you choose to accept their challenge, you get your choice of a mousepad or a waterbottle.
What is the challenge? You have to match some pictures of eyes to the Full Tilt Players. I found this rather easy and got them all right, which didn’t really matter because you only had to get four correct, I just like showing off. I took the mousepad. It’s cool and has a picture of the whole Full Tilt crew on it. I think instead of pounding my desk when I get rivered online, I will just roll my mouse extra hard over Matusow’s groin.
Needless to say before it was my turn I had one of the most dimwitted poker players in front of me who couldn’t quite figure which eyes belonged to whom until I gave him a hint. “Dude, you just need to pick four, there’s only 1 black guy, only 1 asian guy and just 2 women.” This opened his eyes and he got those right, but then came the real tough decision for him. The waterbottle, or the mousepad? This guy took more time deciding on those two items then most people spend picking prizes on the Wheel of Fortune. I guess things could have been easier if he would have had the third choice of a porcelain dalmatian. *only real Wheel fans will get that one ;)*
Overall the room was quite nice. A lot roomier than last year with plenty of comfortable seating with monitors all around playing recorded poker shows.
Okay now onto….
Bodog.Net: I couldn’t tell if I was walking into a hospitality suite or a new dance club. Really nice room, you enter through a cement tunnel-like structure with Bodog.Net stenciled in everywhere and it opens up into a dimly lit room with a nice bar and a waterfall in the back.
Did they have any swag? Not that I could find so I danced. I danced real hard.
UltimateBet: I expected to walk into Ultimate Bet and find Dutch Boyd and the rest of “The Crew” on their knees pleading for UB not to drop them after all of the fallout across various message boards on the net.
No, no pleading but not much else going on there either. No one seemed interested in talking to anyone entering these rooms with the exception of the cute girls working the front doors.
I did notice this big trend and that was how many people hired cute girls in skimpy outfits to stand at the doors to invite fat poker players in. I felt like a gringo walking down Revolution Blvd in Tijuauna. Oh and there are rumors that Hellmuth will be performing a live donkey show.
NEXT!!!
Doyle’s Room: Okay I really liked this room. Doyle’s site has a really nice design with the old west theme with wanted posters etc. Well they did something similar with the suite. You can go in and they have pictures all over the walls of Doyle, Caro, Greenstein and more going back many years. It was fun to look at pictures of these guys in their twenties and thirties.
Another thing I noticed. Swag bags, this was a good sign. As I pretended to study the pictures on the wall my mind began to race. How can I get one of those bags? What unknown treasures might I find? Will I have to sign up for more Viagra emails? Ultimately yes.
Okay so I filled out another contest form and when asked by one of the cute girls there what games I played at their site I lied and said Badugi. I don’t know what was more scarier, trying to keep up this charade or the distant glazed-over look that overtook the cute girl’s eyes when she heard the word Badugi. I grabbed my swag bag and bailed before she went into full seizure and I would have to answer more questions.
What did I win for my efforts?
A Doyle’s room t-shirt, pen and notepad. I will say though that the notepad is rather cool. It’s not really a notepad, but actually in keeping with their old west motif it is an antique poker tracker.
This neat little device does not download hand histories from your computer or brain, but get this. You actually have to take your Doyle’s room pen and fill out the information…BY HAND!!!!
But seriously, it’s a great promotional tool. It actually has columns printed out where you can list the game you played, where, the date, the buy in and whether or not you won or lost.
All around good stuff. Also if you’re interested Doyle will be in the suite every morning at 11am signing autographs. And if you want the Dead Sea Scrolls version of his Super Systems 1 and 2 you can get those leatherbound and autographed by Doyle for only $300.
On to…
Poker Stars: Their suite is closer to the parking lot which is cool for us fat people. You can arrive at the Rio at 11 am, stop at the Poker Stars suite fill up on soda at 11:15, make your way down the hallway and then stop at the Full Tilt room at 11:30, fill up on yet another soda and finally be in your designated tournament seat by noon.
Poker Stars I was kind of disappointed in. No cute girls in skimpy outfits hanging out in front promising more action inside. When I walked in not much action going on but plenty of comfortable seating all around.
In the back there is an altar you can worship at, but in all honesty it’s meaning was lost on me. What you will see is a glass altar and encased in it is a guitar, and on this guitar there is the signature of 2 out of 3 of the WSOP Holy Trinity. Greg Raymer “The Father”, Joe Hachem, “The Holy Ghost”, but it was apparent Chris Moneymaker “The son”s” name was missing.
I did see some Poker Stars hats on another table. I didn’t ask anyone, I just grabbed one and left before I got caught up in another cult. Would be the second time this week so far.
Well that was pretty much it. I think tomorrow I will shave and go back for more.
The only issue I have with poker swag, is that in most cases they don’t cater to their largest demographic, and oh I really mean “largest” in the literal sense. So far, there is not one company that makes a shirt that fits the morbidly obese poker player.
If one company would step up to the plate and offer their gear in sizes that I could wear, I would be a walking talking online poker site billboard.
But for now I guess I’ll just have to settle for rolling my mouse hard across Matusow’s genitals.
